Unconventional Life – Podcast, Blog, Live Events

Category: Wellness

Ep72: Millennials, Here’s Why You’re Dissatisfied At Work

Dissatisfaction in our interpersonal relationships often spills over into our work. Especially when it is with our managers or coworkers.

I remember the first time I was a part of a big sales team my freshman year in college. I dreaded going into work and attending company functions, and avoided awkward encounters with coworkers at all costs. As a new face in the company, and someone quickly climbing the ranks as the Top Manager in Colorado, many of my coworkers had trouble welcoming me. I was constantly being undermined or seen as a threat and found myself in conflict with others.

That summer, everything shifted. The change was so significant that my team went from earning $1M to $6M in a span of just six months. Why? We started focusing on our relationships, welcoming different perspectives and seeing each other as more than just coworkers, but as people, which made executing easy.

Studies show a clear link between strong employee ties and a business’s overall output. As team bonds strengthen, productivity and sales increase—31 to 37 percent on average, says the Harvard Business Review.

So how do you build stronger relationships with your coworkers?

Meet Sean Wilkinson, John Thompson, and Jordan Myska Allen, the founders of Circling Europe, a relational practice that has grown in over 20 countries in just the last few years through in-person workshops and online courses that foster deeper presence, self-awareness, and connection. Tens of thousands worldwide practice circling, including many big Silicon Valley tech companies as their secret weapon in working through conflict and building trust.

“The basis of the practice is it’s an interpersonal meditation—trying to make room for whatever’s present in the connection in the moment,” says Thompson.

This week on the Unconventional Life Podcast, Wilkinson, Thompson, and Myska Allen share how you can master the five pillars of circling in order to build rock-solid relationships at work that promote productivity and job satisfaction.

1. Be Committed Through Connection.

While it’s often easier to just disconnect or hit the “eject” button when you’re in a situation that makes you feel uncomfortable, there is tremendous value in weathering the situation through the discomfort. You’ll find that in your willingness to be with discomfort, you’ll grow more connected to others.

When a situation arises that has you feeling uncomfortable, wanting to leave, or modify it somehow, choose to stay in the situation exactly how it is. For example, if you’re experiencing conflict with a coworker, don’t try to appease the other person. Instead, allow the other person and yourself to feel hurt, frustrated, or whatever is real. Use these emotions as a gateway to grow closer to one another. In feeling, hearing, and witnessing the other person’s authentic expression, you create trust and safety in your relationship. Conflict becomes easier; instead of avoiding it, it becomes welcome terrain and an inquiry for deeper connection.

2. Trust Your Experience.

We live in a world of “shoulds”—how we should act in a given situation, what’s appropriate, and how we should feel. As a result, we often feel conflicted when how we actually feel isn’t how we think we’re supposed to.

Wilkinson, Thompson, and Myska-Allen recommend letting go completely of the notion of “should,” as it often prevents your real emotions from being expressed or having permission to be there. Instead, trust that what you’re feeling is exactly what you’re supposed to be feeling. Allow yourself to express authentically and you will allow others to connect to you more intimately.

3. Be With The Other Person In Their World.

Psychology tells us that empathy and understanding build bridges between ourselves and others. In imagining yourself in the other person’s shoes, you acknowledge their experience and demonstrate care for them.

Pay attention to your coworkers’ expressions, gestures, and body language when you interact with them. In noticing the subtleties of their expression, you will become more attuned to them, enhancing nonverbal communication and promoting relational closeness.

4. Own Your Experience.

Take responsibility for your emotions and in the same way, hold others responsible for their emotions. Recognize that you can’t “make” anyone else feel a certain way, but rather how they feel is a choice. The more you can take responsibility for what you are feeling and name it in it’s most accurate form without blaming others the more powerful your communication will be .

Oftentimes we hold back from sharing the truth of how we feel with others because we don’t want to cause them pain or we want to avoid conflict. But withholding things denies you both the opportunity of genuine connection. In a work environment, feeling unable to share everything with your team members contributes to distance, lack of cohesion, and ultimately a team that is less effective. Commit to being honest with your coworkers and create an environment where everyone feels safe to speak up, especially when it’s hard. Cultivate the art of being both honest and sensitive by sharing your truth in a way that is respectful and considerate.

5. Stay At The Level of Sensation.

Wilkinson, Thompson, and Myska Allen say the gold standard for communication occurs at the level of the body. Focus on how you feel. Ask yourself, what is going on in my body in this moment?

If you feel tightness in your chest when you’re interacting with someone, use that as a cue that there may be more to explore with the other person. Be honest about your experience, and invite the other person into your world. In staying in your body, you’ll remain connected to your emotions and be able to experience the flourishing of your relationships on a visceral level.

Enjoyed this post? Check out more of my tools to create a life by your own design.

This article originally appeared on Forbes.com

March 7, 2017
Ep70: The Psychology Behind Why We Procrastinate (And How You Can Beat It)

Procrastination—we’ve all done it. Some of us are repeat offenders and some of us find ourselves backed into a corner because of stress.

If you’re anything like me, you’ve read book after book, told yourself you would get better at time management, and worked hard to set clearer goals. But despite all the effort, discipline, and cranking down, nothing seems to work.

For me, it wasn’t until I met a woman on my travels in Bali that I discovered I’d been going about trying to beat procrastination all wrong.

You see, despite what you may have been told, the fight against procrastination isn’t a mental one. No amount of reasoning and willpower will make any difference—in fact, they’ll leave you feeling burned out and worse off than before.

The key player in defeating procrastination is actually a behavior pattern you can program yourself to do in just a few short weeks…

Sound too good to be true?

Don’t take my word for it—meet the productivity expert I met in Bali, Carey Gjokaj. She’s the founder of Lifehack Bootcamp, an 8-week online program that teaches you how to end the vicious cycle of procrastination and become an expert at time management. Through Lifehack Bootcamp, Gjokaj has helped thousands of people worldwide to become immediate action-takers who optimize what they get done in a day.

This week on the Unconventional Life Podcast, Gjokaj shares her tips for making procrastination a thing of the past and embracing productivity.

“We try to reason our brains into productivity but it doesn’t work,” Gjokaj says. “‘Wake up, let’s do this today, let’s get stuff done,” we tell ourselves. We have to realize that productivity is controlled by a completely different part of our brain. It’s not an intellectual concept. It’s a habit run by the animal part of our brain and we’re the animal trainer.”

Are you ready to train your brain to make a habit out of productivity?

Studies show the average person can form a new habit in just 66 days. Reclaim your time and peace of mind by applying Gjokaj’s method for maxing out your productivity below.

Distraction-Proof Your Work Space

Referencing research by Gallup, Gjokaj says, “some type of distraction is getting us off of our workflow every three minutes and five seconds. But it also takes our brain time after we’re distracted to ramp back up to the level of productivity we were at before—so you’re not just losing the time it took to answer that text message. It’s that time plus the amount of time it takes you to ramp back up.”

You can reclaim lost time by making your work space a distraction-free zone. Gjokaj recommends setting your phone and computer to “do not disturb” mode, working in a small room with the door shut, and decluttering your desktop by dragging scattered files into folders. You can also set your desktop background to an inspirational quote that reminds you of your larger mission and keeps you committed to focus.

Take Frequent Breaks

If “getting in the zone” and cranking down for long periods of time is how you work, you’re actually being less effective. Studies show if we break down our work time into smaller blocks followed by short breaks, we actually get more done because we allow our brain to replenish energy and focus.

“It’s the difference between a sprinter and a marathon runner,” Gjokaj says. For maximum productivity, she advises breaking down your work into smaller tasks and taking a short break every thirty minutes or so.

Work Towards A Weekly Goal

Identify one goal each week that would be a cause for celebration if you attained it. Gjokaj calls these goals “champagne moments” because they call for opening a bottle of champagne when they’re completed.

Make sure this goal is attainable but also requires you to challenge yourself. Break down the goal into daily action steps that will keep you on track to finish by the end of the week.

You can turn each day into a game by racing against the clock and trying to beat your best time on each of your tasks. When you’ve completed each day’s tasks, let yourself be done with work for the day and feel a sense of accomplishment.

Reward Yourself

Science shows that when we reward ourselves for doing a particular behavior, we become more motivated to do that behavior and are more productive at it. Essentially, the reward triggers the pleasure neurotransmitter dopamine to flow into our brains, so we associate the behavior with pleasure. You can use your biology to your advantage by programming your brain to associate work with pleasure.

Each time you complete a small work task, reward yourself with something small, like an m&m or a few minutes of free time.

“We need to reward our brain for doing good work,” Gjokaj says. “It doesn’t have to be big—just something big enough that it gives your brain a jolt of pleasure that burns those cognitive patterns deeper and deeper each time. That’s how you create habits that are gonna be there for you 24/7, especially when it’s really hard.”

Enjoyed this post? Check out more of my tools to create a life by your own design.

This article originally appeared on Forbes.com

March 7, 2017
Ep68: Millennials, Don’t Make This Mistake When Applying For A Job

When I was 19 I had my first and only 9-5 job. Despite being in college I convinced this sales recruiter to hire me on during the summer on a 60k a year starting salary, earning myself as their youngest employee.

Each morning I would get up in my business dress and drive an hour in traffic each way, only to sit at my desk for eight hours amongst people that were at least ten years older than me. Needless to say I quit after two weeks and didn’t even see my first paycheck. You couldn’t have paid me enough to stay.

At the time I didn’t know I was making the #1 mistake that most Millennials today are making when entering the workforce.

It’s 2017, and millions of Millennials are embarking upon their first, second, or even third job. Job hopping has become the new normal, with the average worker switching jobs four times before age 32.

So what gives? Why are so many of us fed up with our jobs and unable to find the right fit?

One man who’s revolutionizing the way approach work and relate to our jobs may have the answer.

Meet Eric Termuende, the founder of DRYVER Group, a consultant company that facilitates team development and higher bottom lines. He’s also an international speaker and the author of the book Rethink Work, named one of the best personal finance and economic books of 2016 by Financial Post.

Termuende’s message is to “Rethink Work,” or to approach work like “it’s not something that you have to do, but something you get to do.”

According to Termuende, there’s more to work than a secure salary. In fact, our jobs are the third biggest determinant of our happiness. But with most of us seeking employment on the basis of a prestigious job title and a comfortable income, we’re making the #1 mistake in the book—we’re forgetting to select a job that will bring us lasting happiness.

“We need to be rethinking what it means to be working and enabling people to find employment based on fit, belonging, something bigger.” Termuende says. “Find the thing that puts a smile on your face as wide as possible.”

On the latest episode of the Unconventional Life Podcast, Termuende shares how you can avoid making the mistake of choosing a job for the wrong reasons and find a job that you’ll love for the long-run.

Define Success On Your Own Terms

“To be successful, society says you have to have a lot of money, a lot of material, a big title, and a lot of education,” Termuende says. “ I don’t think that’s not right, but I think your definition of success could be a lot different than mine. As we get into rethinking work, we have to get into redefining what it means to be successful for us.”

Create your own definition of success based on what’s important to you. Focus on the lifestyle and the day-to-day experience you want to have. If spending quality time with loved ones is important to you, you might apply for jobs with flexible hours and the freedom to take time off. If you value social connection and relationships, narrow your selection to jobs with a tight-knit company culture.

“If we can do a job that enables us to live the way we want to live, then I think we can all be successful,” Termuende says.

Speak With An Insider

You can only learn so much about your potential job through a job description. What’s often missing is the human element of what it’s actually like to work inside a given company.

To figure out if a job is really the right fit for you, meet with someone who is currently working in the job position you want. Have a 30 minute conversation with them and ask them key questions like, what’s the commute like? How often do you get to talk to your supervisor? How much free time do you have?

Your goal is to get a feel for the lived experience of the job. Beyond the job title and the salary, will your job provide you with enriching experiences and relationships that make showing up to work everyday feel like something you get to do rather than something you have to do?

Be Choosey

In applying for jobs, the championing mentality is often to apply to dozens of jobs in bulk, altering as little as you can in a generic cover letter or resume. The problem with this approach is that it frames your job as something that chooses you rather than something you choose.

Termuende recommends being selective and only applying to jobs that meet a specific criteria defined by you. On a blank sheet of paper, write down two headers, one “must have,” and one “can’t have.” In the “must have” column, list qualities your job needs to have in order for you to feel fulfilled inside of it, like a diverse employee base. In the “can’t have” column, write down qualities your job can’t have, like work on Saturdays.

In being choosey, your job search will narrow, making it easier to find the best possible fit for you and avoid making compromises.

Enjoyed this post? Check out more of my tools to create a life by your own design.

This article originally appeared on Forbes.com

February 21, 2017
Ep66: How Perfectionism Is Sabotaging Your Career

Perfectionism—it can be paralyzing.

On one hand, it holds you to high standards and ensures you only create exceptional work. But on the other hand, those same standards bind you, causing you to procrastinate, avoid action, and be less effective.

Millennials struggle with perfectionism more than any other generation. Coincidentally, we also have the highest rates of depression and anxiety, which go hand-in-hand with perfectionism.

Psychologically, we chase perfection because of the safety it provides. It’s easy to hide your flaws behind the veil of perfectionism, and only reveal or act when you feel you are guaranteed success. But in doing this, you often end up limiting yourself and your career.

Take it from one former perfectionist who says overcoming the need to be perfect was the key to unlocking exponential growth in his career and scope of impact.

Meet Cam Adair, the founder of Game Quitters, the world’s largest support community for video game addiction, with members in over 70 countries worldwide. Game Quitters provides hundreds of free videos geared to help gamers ditch the screen and fall in love with life again. Adair is also an international speaker who has spoken to college audiences about overcoming adversity and has given two TEDx talks.

On the latest episode of the Unconventional Life Podcast, Adair shares practical advice to help you beat perfectionism and become more effective.

Take Action Before You Feel Ready

One of the biggest obstacles perfectionists face is impossibly high standards. Because you expect so much of yourself, you’re often unwilling to take action on anything that won’t meet those standards—which leads to procrastination and inaction.

Don’t let your high standards paralyze you. The quickest way to overcome them is to take action before you feel ready.

Adair says you can flex this muscle by launching projects in areas you have no experience. You might launch a podcast if you struggle with speaking, or a blog if writing isn’t your strong suit. Besides getting more done, you’ll develop new skills and generate value for others in the process.

Adair once raised five thousand dollars for a trip to volunteer in Tanzania with no fundraising experience. The point is, you might surprise yourself and be successful in ventures you’d never imagined. Be willing to step outside your comfort zone and challenge yourself for the best results.

Be Vulnerable

Getting everything right all the time is just plain unrelatable. As humans, we make mistakes and we fail sometimes. When you let go of trying to appear perfect, you allow other people to see themselves in you and connect to you.

“The more we embrace the imperfections in our own life, the more we’re actually able to connect with other people and it’s through that connection that we can have transformation because we have rapport. But when we try to be perfect, we create a disconnect between us and our audience,” Adair says.

When giving a TED talk in front of thousands, Adair forgot his lines twice but instead of trying to cover it up, he said, “I forgot my lines. That’s embarrassing,” and the audience laughed. Afterwards, several people came up to him and thanked him for being so relatable.

Be transparent about your flaws and don’t try to hide anything about yourself. When you’re raw and you own the human part of you, you open yourself up for genuine, meaningful connection and impact.

Share Your Story

The stories most of us are comfortable sharing about ourselves tend to be polished and construed to paint us in a positive light. We omit the moments where we struggled, felt defeated, and couldn’t see hope.

Adair says it’s these moments of adversity that are actually the most important to share of all. “We have all gone through an experience in our life that has the ability to impact millions of people. But for us the experience feels very isolating, whether it’s depression, or anxiety, or addiction. In stepping up to share that we can impact the world,” Adair says.

Your greatest struggle is actually your greatest asset. Because suffering is universal, we can all relate to it—yet it occurs behind closed doors. If you can be brave, honest, and openly share about what you struggled with, you can leverage your story to impact millions.

Adair recommends using Facebook Live, YouTube, or online support communities as platforms to share your story and get the conversation started. Pay attention to feedback to discover where people relate and how you can serve them by creating content to support them.

Enjoyed this post? Check out more of my tools to create a life by your own design.

This article originally appeared on Forbes.com

February 9, 2017
Ep65: Imposter Syndrome: Why You’re Successful But Still Not Satisfied

When I was eighteen, I started my first six-figure business. I had always fantasized about being a successful entrepreneur. However, when that day came and I had the external proof that I had “made it,” I didn’t feel successful at all.

I felt like an imposter—that I didn’t deserve it, and that someone else could have done it better.

Imposter syndrome is not uncommon. Seventy percent of high achieving millennials identify feeling this way. As if we have something to prove to ourselves, to our peers, and to our parents.

It’s no wonder only 1 in 3 Millennials say they’re very happy. With most of us stuck on the perpetual treadmill of pursuit, we never get the fulfillment we really want out of life.

So how can we actually find fulfillment?

One man appears to know the answer. His sold-out international events are drawing thousands worldwide to the conversation of deeper fulfillment and purpose.

Meet Connor Beaton, the founder and CEO of Man Talks, a live-events movement to evolve men and women through authenticity, community, purpose, and accountability. Since Beaton launched Man Talks nearly one year ago, it’s grown to accommodate over 30 cities across the US and Canada.

I interviewed Beaton on the latest episode of the Unconventional Life Podcast about his thoughts about finding fulfillment.

Beaton says the key to feeling fulfilled is to approach your life from a broader, wholesome perspective. If professional success is your sole focus, the other departments of your life—like relationships and personal development—will suffer.

When you commit to giving each department of your life the equal attention it deserves, you will truly begin to thrive.

Below, Beaton shares how you can combat imposture syndrome and put this approach into practice:

Surround Yourself With People Who Elevate You

It’s an unfortunate reality that many people don’t have close friends they can depend on. Over half of all men in a relationships study said they have two or fewer people they can talk to about serious matters, while one in eight said they have none.

Feeling closely connected to the people in your life is a huge factor in fulfillment. Social isolation is closely linked to depression, while interconnectedness is shown to increase happiness.

Beaton breaks down three kinds of friends you can have—those who look up to you, those who stand beside you, and those who will call you forward into the person you want to become. The latter is the most important kind, yet also the rarest.

Aim to surround yourself with people who are going to hold you accountable to things you want to accomplish, who will call you out when you aren’t in integrity, and who will challenge you to grow. You’ll find that as you and your friends evolve together, you’ll feel a deeper sense of purpose and community.

February 3, 2017